Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Doomsday Dung

I’m fascinated by the news of the amazing recent fossil discovery that paleontologists are calling the doomsday dung. The potential ramifications of this discovery are monumental, but it’s the kind of thing you won’t read about in the corporate media.

Professor Oren Kloog IV of the Department of Paleontology at Johns Hopkins University discovered the doomsday dung. I’m thrilled that he granted this exclusive interview to Smart Ass Cripple.

SMART ASS: Professor Kloog, I’m very excited to talk to you.

KLOOG: I’m very excited to talk to you. I’m a big fan of Smart Ass Cripple. Those of us who study old fossils love your jokes.

SMART ASS: Thank you. Tell us about your discovery.

KLOOG: Well ever since I was a young boy I wanted to study coprolites, or fossilized dung. Fossilized dung was my passion all through adolescence and into adulthood. That’s why I went into paleontology.

SMART ASS: You’ve never had a girlfriend, have you?


SMART ASS: I didn’t think so. Please go on.

KLOOG: Not long ago, about all a paleontologist could learn from a coprolite was the diet of the creature that excreted it. But that all changed with the recent invention of Henry. Henry is a supercomputer invented by a team of computer scientists who also have a passion for dung. Henry can analyze just a small fragment of dung and reconstruct the entire life and times of the creature that excreted it. Now, everything we need to learn about evolution we can learn from dung. That’s what so beautiful about dung. Dung doesn’t lie.

SMART ASS: And why do you call the fossil you discovered the doomsday dung?

KLOOG: When Henry analyzed it, he made the astounding discovery that it was excreted by a new subspecies of Homo sapiens. Furthermore, the emergence of this subspecies represents the end of human evolution. We have now entered a state of unvolution. Imagine if every second of human evolution was videotaped and when this subspecies emerged the video suddenly stopped and then went into fast motion reverse. And in the end, humans turn back into reptiles, marching backward into the primordial soup. This is where unvolution will lead us.

SMART ASS: Does this subspecies have a name?

KLOOG: Yes, we call it Homo sapiens republicanus.

SMART ASS: That’s a very scary name.

KLOOG: It’s a very scary subspecies, bent on self-destruction. They constantly sabotage their own interests by voting republican.

SMART ASS: Where did you discover the doomsday dung?

KLOOG: In a city park. According to Henry, the particular republicanus who excreted the doomsday dung was named Pete and he once had a nice steady job with full benefits and a happy family. But then he got laid off and he couldn’t find another job and for some reason he started voting republican. But his downhill crash continued until he ended up homeless, sleeping in the very park where we found this fossil.

SMART ASS: What else does the doomsday dung tell us about these republicani?

KLOOG: Henry says they’re very much pack animals who latch on to an alpha and follow him anywhere, even if it’s over a cliff. And they have a primitive form of communication. They call it Fox News. It works like cave drawings—large, simple images that symbolize good and evil painted on the wall with blood and bodily waste. Their symbol for themselves is an elephant, a plodding mammal with a small brain.
According to Henry, Pete was beginning to have doubts about being a republicanus and he came up with a new symbol. He drew an elephant and then an equals sign and then a hippopotamus packed in a shipping crate.

SMART ASS: Hippo crate?

KLOOG: Precisely. Well that angered the other repulicani because they hate when anyone disagrees with them. So one day they jumped him and beat him with their clubs.

SMART ASS: And that’s how he died?

KLOOG: Oh no. He was fine. But shortly after that he stubbed his toe. He didn’t get treatment for it because he lost his health insurance when he lost his job so he developed gangrene and died.

SMART ASS: His dung tells a very sad story.

KLOOG: Indeed. And as this type of self-cannibalization spreads, humans will inevitably sink deeper in the inescapable quicksand of unvolution.

SMART ASS: Is all hope lost? Is there anything we can do to save ourselves?

KLOOG: There is one thing we can do. We can stop voting republican.