Monday, February 15, 2021

I Ain't Afraid of no Stinkin' Carjackers!

I've been hearing a lot on the news these days about an outbreak of carjacking. But I’m not afraid of being carjacked.

I feel confident saying that based on my assumption that riding around in a cripple van like I do makes me pretty much immune from being carjacked. Because, first of all, who wants to carjack a cripple van? They have no resale value, except to other cripples. But I also think that for that reason, it’s inevitable that some enterprising carjacking ringleader will someday get wise to the fact that although demand for cripple vans is limited, it’s potentially a quite lucrative market. Hell, a cripple van costs as much as two regular cars so not a whole lot of cripples can afford one. It’s a seller’s market. I know if someone offered me a slightly-used cripple van at a discount price, I’d have a hard time saying no. So sooner or later some ringleader, in their never-ending quest for a competitive advantage, with change their business plan to appeal to a niche market and specialize in only jacking cripple van. Oh shit, I hope I didn’t just give someone an idea! I’ve said too much! It’s a good thing all of my readers are model citizens.

But even when that ominous day comes, I still won’t be worried about being carjacked. Because whenever I get into my cripple van, the person who’s with me has to secure my wheelchair so I won’t roll around when we hit the brakes. So they attach these hooks that are at the end of retractable straps bolted to the floor to four connection points on my wheelchair. And then they buckle a shoulder harness across my chest. So if someone comes up to me in my cripple van and orders me at gunpoint to get out, I’ll say, "Well okay, I’m happy to oblige, but first, see those four hooks? You’ll need to unhook those for me. Then I’ll need you to unbuckle my shoulder harness. And then you’ll need to deploy the ramp by pushing that black button over there on the—"

I figure long before things get to that point the carjacker will say fuck it and run off looking for an easier mark to jack.

Maybe that’s why there isn’t a carjacking ring specializing in cripple vans. 

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