Monday, March 12, 2012

The Squeegee Corps

Everybody knows the upcoming election is all about jobs, which really sucks. It ought to be all about free beer. If the candidates were promising free beer, nobody would give a crap about jobs.

But it’s interesting to examine the innovative plans both parties propose for putting cripples to work. The democrats call for creating jobs within the public sector, jobs specially designed to be easy for cripples to do.

Here’s an example: the job title is License Plate Checker. A whole slew of cripples are hired to examine vanity license plates before they’re issued to make sure there’s no profanity in them. This is accomplished by creating a new department within the FBI charged with investigating vanity license plates and rooting out subtly spelled dirty words, double entendre, etc. We must protect the children. This new department would be almost exclusively staffed by cripples, who examine the plates forward and backward, upside down, in rearview mirrors, etc. This work is suited well for cripples not only because it is sedentary but because cripples have very dirty minds. We can match wits with all the smart ass perverts out there trying to beat the system and sneak one past. We can crack their code.

The democrats also want to create a new public service entity like AmeriCorps but it would be exclusively for cripples. It’s called the Squeegee Corps. Teams of cripples armed with squeegees are dispatched to street corners across this great land to squeegee the windshields of those stopped at traffic lights. The pay is minimum wage but the real rewards of public service work are the intangibles.

The republicans, of course, disagree vehemently with this big-government approach to job creation. Their plan emphasizes private initiative and entrepreneurship. With that in mind, their plan retains the squeegee approach except a privately-owned squeegee manufacturer receives a massive tax break and a $5 billion contract to administer the program. This fits in perfectly with the republican vision for the future of America because, as luck would have it, the world’s leading manufacturer of squeegees is Haliburton. They control 93 per cent of the global squeegee market. Each American cripple is issued a squeegee. The cripples also receive an incentive to go out and use the squeegee to make money. All of their Social Security, Medicaid and Medicare is cut off. The squeegee cripples receive no wage. They only work for tips. But as yet another incentive, drivers can write whatever tips they give squeegee cripples off of their income taxes. Just be sure to get a receipt.

No matter what plan prevails, I’ll participate in the federal government’s effort to get cripples into the workforce. I won’t have much fucking choice, since nobody’s proposing free beer. Until the day when beer is free, I have to keep working.

I plan to get a small business loan to develop a voiceover business. This has long been my dream. My voiceovers are highly specialized and address a small but potentially lucrative market niche. I do impressions of famous actors saying no more than a select few words. This is invaluable when dubbing movies to sanitize then for television. So for instance, my best impression is Jack Nicholson saying “fudge.” Splice that in, and Jack’s salty dialogue transforms into “fudge you” or “go fudge yourself.” I also do a great Al Pacino screaming at the top of his lungs “kiss my adenoid!” And when I say “son of a beaver” like Denzel, you’d swear he was in the room.

I hope to use the small business loan to help me perfect my Meryl Streep.