Sunday, April 5, 2020

Customer Service Music, Chain Pizza and Democrats

I was on hold with customer service and the music that was playing was so annoying that it reminded me of the democrats. Because what annoyed me most about the music was how hard it was trying not to be annoying. And it was doing so by being painstakingly neutral and non commital. It embraced no genre. No spices, no seasoning. It was desperately afraid of taking a definitive stand, for fear that if it did someone might not like it. It occupied that middle ground in the land of the bland and wouldn’t dare take a step beyond. It didn’t want to lead the way toward any new direction. It just wanted to play it completely safe. The democrats annoy me in the same way.

And you know what kind of other music really gets me wound up? It’s that music that’s specifically designed to help people relax. I’m talking about that stuff where they mix in gongs and wind chimes, maybe some flutes. And you’re supposed listen to it while you’re trying to unwind. But it gets me all wound up because why not just listen to a good jazz piano trio or something like that? There's plenty of music already out there that’s soothing as hell without beating you over the damn head about it. That gong and wind chime music has the same effect on me as someone picking me up and shaking me and shouting in my face, “RELAX GODDAMIT!”

But anyway, back to the democrats. Chain pizza also reminds me of the democrats for the same reason customer service hold music reminds me of the democrats. I’m offended by chain pizza because it, too, goes way out of its way not to be about anything so as not to offend anyone. And I find that to be very offensive. Just like the democrats.

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