Friday, December 13, 2013

Calculating Your Crippled Beggar Index Score

You may not be a crippled beggar, but everyone has a Crippled Beggar Index (CBI) score. It doesn’t matter if you are neither crippled nor a beggar. You still have a CBI score and it greatly behooves you to understand and keep track of your CBI score as diligently as you would your credit score. You may think you are way better off than a crippled beggar, but how do you know for sure?You CBI score is the best indicator of how close you are to being in the same boat with all the crippled beggars you pass on the street.  You may be closer than you think.

Here is the first equation to understand when calculating your CBI score:

CBI = B<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<C.

In other words, this is the old cliché “beggars can’t be choosers,” expressed in mathematical terms.   Because the most accurate way to measure beggars is to measure their lack of options. Beggars, be they crippled or not, are people who have to settle for whatever old shit comes their way because they don’t have much choice. They have no negotiating leverage. If we give them a cup of instant coffee, they don’t have much hope of haggling cream and sugar out of us. This is why no one wants to be a “charity case,” which is another word for beggar.

So, in our equation, B = beggar and C = chooser. Calculating your CBI tells you where you lie on the slippery spectrum between B and C. But before you can determine this, first you have to solve for B, which is done using this equation:

B = PPL+G.

PPL = political powerlessness, which is another word for lack of options. So to determine your PPL factor, ask yourself how much you have to settle for any old shit that comes your way because you don’t have much choice. So as you can see, you don’t have to be crippled to be quite politically powerless, though it certainly helps. Suppose you work at Burger Barn making minimum fucking wage. Suppose that instead of giving you a damn pay raise, they make you Employee of the Month. This gives you a PPL factor close to that of a crippled beggar. Children automatically have higher a PPL factor. As a matter of fact, the further you are from being a wealthy, white, Christian, hetero, uncrippled male, the higher your PPL factor.

Based on this assessment, assign yourself a numeric PPL factor using a scale of one to 10, with 10 being that of a crippled beggar. Next, you must determine your personal G factor. G = gratitude. You calculate the value of G by asking yourself how much you have to not just settle for any old shit that comes your way but also act grateful that you got whatever old shit you got. If Trump flips you a quarter from the back window of his limo, how compelled do you feel to praise him for fear that if you don’t he won’t do it again and then you’re really fucked? How effusive is your Employee of the Month acceptance speech? The more grateful you have to act, the higher your G factor. The higher your G factor, the closer you are to being just like the most pathetic crippled beggars.

Based on this assessment, assign yourself a numeric G factor using the same scale. Then add it to your PPL factor to determine your CBI score. The higher you CBI score, the closer you are to the crippled beggars.

And there you have it! I bet you have a lot more in common with crippled beggars than you thought, eh? I know I do. But if not, check back again soon. Things can change fast.