Tuesday, November 1, 2011

An Open Letter to those Meddlesome, Self-Righteous Busybodies at Human Rights Watch

Dear Meddlesome, Self-Righteous Busybodies at Human Rights Watch,

This open letter is written in response to your recently-released report accusing Smart Ass Cripple of violating so-called international child labor laws. I write this letter at the behest of my attorneys, who have advised me to publicly come clean and tell the truth. It’s apparent that my attorneys feel your advocacy must be taken seriously since they have never advised me to tell the truth before.

In your report you allege that for the last 10 months, the entries posted on Smart Ass Cripple have not been written by Smart Ass Cripple at all but by eight-year-old boys in an orphanage in Bulgaria. While I admit that this is true, whether or not this constitutes a violation of “international child labor laws” depends on one’s interpretation of the words “child” and “labor.” In a cushy, privileged society such as ours, it can be argued that an eight year old is still, technically, a child. But in a Bulgarian orphanage, children grow up fast. Only the tough survive. The boys that write my entries are already smoking, drinking and on probation for grand theft auto. They are the most grizzled eight year olds the orphanage has to offer.

As for the word “labor,” if you think writing entries for Smart Ass Cripple is hard, challenging work, then obviously you haven’t read any of them. In fact, my inspiration for outsourcing came from a brilliant observation in a thoughtful letter from an astute reader of Smart Ass Cripple. She wrote: “Hey Smart Ass Cripple! My eight-year-old nephew can write the kind of crap you write!” She was absolutely correct and her frankness forced me to ask myself an all-important question: Why the hell am I busting my ass when I can get an eight year old to write this nonsense for me and I can pay them in lollipops? So I set out in search of an eight year old with the gumption to pull himself up by his bootstraps. But I knew that any such lad in America would demand far too many lollipops. So like any good businessman, I looked for a “business-friendly climate” in which to set up shop. I soon learned that no place on God’s fertile earth offers a more “business-friendly climate” than a Bulgarian orphanage.

My attorneys have also advised me that as a result of your inquiry, I should immediately cease and desist all outsourcing and return to writing Smart Ass Cripple entries myself. It is with deep reluctance and resentment that I accept their advice. I hope you’re proud of yourselves. You have now put several of the world’s most impoverished eight year olds out of work. But that will have to be on your conscience. Also, be advised that you will face a firestorm of protest from Smart Ass Cripple readers when they soon realize that because eight-year-old boys are no longer writing my entries, the quality of the writing has gone way down. But at least my readers and the poor rejected orphans know exactly which Nosey Nellies are to blame.

La lucha continua!

Smart Ass Cripple