Thursday, April 2, 2015

The Tears of a Cripple

Suppose cripple tears were considered to be a fine delicacy. Just stop and take a minute out of your whirling day to consider that possibility.

Suppose the tears of cripples were held in the same highly-coveted regard by the ultra-elite as stuff like ivory, shark fins, glacier ice cubes, various animal pelts and ortolans. Suppose the most surefire way to be recognized as the undisputed elitest of the elitists was to throw an exclusive party and serve your guests an exotic cocktail of Moet & Chandon Dom Perignon infused with genuine, imported cripple tears.

Wouldn’t this be a wonderful world for cripples if that was the case? Or even better yet, suppose cripple tears were considered to be a powerful aphrodisiac. Why not? Stranger things have happened. Suppose someone somehow came in contact with a cripple tear and discovered that it made them ragingly horny. And so word spreads that a single cripple tear on the tip of the tongue will make you and/or the object of your desire as lit up as a gorilla on coke.

Oh baby, if that was really how things were life would be unspeakably, joyously glorious for cripples because then every cripple would be able to live their ultimate dream, which is to tell Social Security to go fuck itself. Fuck you and your Medicare Parts A, B, C and D! I don’t need you anymore! And while we’re at it, we could also tell the vocational -rehabilitation counselors to go suck it too. I don’t need to work on an assembly line attaching heads to Barbie dolls anymore either! I produce a precious, endlessly-renewable, 100-percent organic natural resource, goddammit! Cripple tears! I’m going into business for myself!

In such a heavenly universe, every cripple could get obscenely rich simply by inducing his/her tears on a regular basis and capturing them in little eyedropper bottles. And fortunately, there are plenty of methods for inducing tears that do not involve striking oneself with a hammer. One could, for example, immerse oneself in something so funny that it makes you laugh until you cry. One could also chop onions or watch the Chicago Cubs. Another extremely effective technique for inducing tears, which I learned from a drunken dare back in my college days, is to squirt hot sauce up your nose.

Ah but alas’, cripple tears are not aphrodisiacs at all. Our tears are not even a delicacy. They’re just tears, as worthless as everyone else’s.

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