Saturday, March 24, 2018

Kiss Me I'm Crippled

Every year there’s a St. Patrick’s Day parade in Chicago. All the douche bag politicians put on a green tie and march in the parade, especially if they’re campaigning.

After the parade, there are swarms of drunken people downtown wearing green plastic derbies and fake Irish stuff like that. They drink in the bars until the wee hours.

I guess the closest cripple holiday equivalent to St. Patrick’s Day would be ADA Day. That’s July 26, which is the anniversary of the signing of the Americans with Disabilities Act in 1990. ADA Day is similar to St. Patrick’s Day in a few ways. The douche bag politicians all glom on, but they do it by issuing phony proclamations about how wonderful the ADA is. In Chicago, there’s a parade on or around ADA Day. But it’s much smaller than the St. Patrick’s Day parade.

But you don’t see swarms of drunks on the streets on ADA day. The bars aren’t packed with revelers. Nobody uses ADA Day as a good excuse to get drunk. Well, maybe some people do. I know I do, but I use Wednesday as a good excuse to get drunk.

My fourth grade teacher used to say, “Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.” But ADA Day hasn’t gotten to the point where everyone declares themselves an honorary cripple for the day. The party stores don’t stock up with cripple-themed stuff. The people who wear green plastic derbies don’t hop into rented wheelchairs on ADA Day or meander around downtown wearing dark sunglasses and tapping a white cane. On ADA Day, they don’t wear buttons that say Kiss Me I’m Crippled.

I don’t know whether that’s good or bad. A part of me feels slighted that there isn’t the same level of appropriation of cripple culture on ADA Day. But I suppose, all things considered, it’s probably good. Because if everyone was a cripple on ADA Day, it would be really hard to find a cripple parking space. And if a douche bag politician like Paul Ryan showed up on crutches with one leg tied behind his back ready to march in the ADA Day parade, it would be just too creepy.

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