Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Official Suppository of Smart Ass Cripple

This entry is brought to you by the good people at EZ Suppositories, the official suppository of Smart Ass Cripple.

Yep, that’s right. Here at smart Ass Cripple we have to figure out a way to pay the bills, just like every other schlump in the world. So in order to pay the bills, I’m whoring myself out to corporate America, just like every other schlump in the world.

What do I have to offer that’s of any possible value to corporate America? I offer access to the cripple market. The people who read my stuff are mostly cripples, plus a smattering of uncrippled people who for whatever weird reason like reading stuff about cripples. So I let it be known that any wise, visionary businessperson can score big points with consumers who are crippled (or who are uncrippled but for whatever weird reason like reading stuff about cripples) by forking over enough cash to make their product the official fill-in-the-blank of Smart Ass Cripple.

The only problem is, corporate America seems to think that the only products cripples buy are cripple products—more specifically, cripple bodily function products. Corporate America seems to think that all cripples do all day is excrete. Because ads for bodily function products are the types of ads you see in magazines or on sites that are for cripples. You never see an ad for toothpaste. But why not? Cripples brush their teeth every day, just like every other schlump in the world.

But hell with it. Corporate America can go blow itself. I’ve got the fine folks at EZ Suppositories on board with me now! They were the first and only business so far to step up and accept my challenge to become an official Smart Ass Cripple product sponsor. It was a bold move on their part. But then again, who would expect anything less from the creators of the world’s most user-friendly suppositories with the patented EZ Glide tip?

But there are still plenty more Smart Ass Cripple official sponsorships to be had. So how about it, corporate America? I’m sorry I told you to go blow yourself. I was only kidding. Who wants to be the official catheter of Smart Ass Cripple? The official bedpan? How about the official incontinence pad?

And in conclusion, let me remind everyone out there that the next time you need a suppository, don’t settle for second best. Insist on EZ suppositories. You’ll be glad you did!

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