Monday, May 12, 2014

I Don’t Want to be Blamed for the Unsustainable Trajectory of America’s Entitlements.

Soon you might see a picture of me out there on the internet where I’m wrapped up in bandages like a mummy and I’m in traction. Don’t be alarmed. I’m just trying to cover my ass. I don’t want to be blamed for the unsustainable trajectory of America’s entitlements.

Because apparently there is this shadowy entity known as the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform’s Subcommittee on Energy Policy, Health Care & Entitlements. That’s a helluva mouthful, ain’t it? I guess their acronym is HCOGRSEPHCE. But one of the duties of HCOGRSEPHCE, according to its mission statement, is “oversight of the … issues pertaining to the unsustainable trajectory of America’s entitlements, including Medicare, Medicaid and federal disability programs.” So that means part of their jobs is to root out scammers who are trying to score free checks by pretending to be crippled.

Well hell, if HCOGRSEPHCE wants to find fake cripples, they ought to investigate those television commercials of ambulance-chaser lawyers. Notice how the cripples in those commercials never look the least bit crippled. But yet they brag about the fat settlements they got. You never see a real cripple in a wheelchair in those commercials or even a cripple missing a limb. I bet if HCOGRSEPHCE looked into it, they’d find that the cripples in those commercials are really just actors!

But instead, some members of the subcommittee have put forth legislation that would allow Social Security employees to examine social media profiles of those applying for or receiving cripple benefits to help determine whether they are really crippled.


I know where they got that idea. There were those big headlines a few months back about the New York City cops and firefighters who were arrested and charged with pretending to be emotionally crippled by the 9/11 attacks so that they could collect Social Security checks. And part of the evidence against one of them was a Facebook photo of him giving the finger while riding a jet ski.

And I thought oh hell! I never suspected that giving the finger could be used as evidence that you’re not crippled, unless you claim that what qualifies you as crippled is that you’re missing your middle finger.

I’m really screwed now! And I never suspected that being out doing something fun could also be used to cast doubt upon the authenticity of one’s crippledness.

So I can’t be too careful. Not with HCOGRSEPHCE standing guard. I’ve got to destroy all potentially incriminating pictures of me enjoying myself or flipping the bird, just in case we’re reverting back to the old fashioned calculation for determining crippledness: Crippled = homebound + miserable. The mummy in traction photo will serve as my headshot and my profile picture and the official record of my state of being. I don’t want there to be any public pictures of me doing anything Tiny Tim wouldn’t do.