Sunday, November 11, 2012

Smart Ass Cripple's Legislative Agenda

Here’s my legislative agenda:

Item 1: Outlaw sports where the only point is to do something stupid and dangerous and survive.

The best example is motorcycle jumping. If you jump over 50 cars on a motorcycle, what have you proved? You proved you’re dumb enough to jump over 50 cars on a motorcycle. Maybe the audience appeal of such stunts is that this is a clearly-defined world, where the line separating winners and losers is sharp and distinct. Nothing is open to interpretation. The winners are those who jump over 50 cars and walk away. The losers are those who jump over 50 cars and wind up either a) dead or b) crippled.

And so some other stupid and dangerous sports would have to be outlawed, too, like luge.  And cliff diving and surfing and car racing and boxing, to name a few. Golf almost qualifies as a stupid and dangerous sport, except it’s not dangerous.  And don’t tell me that there’s more to these sports than just surviving, since you have to also beat the competition. Big deal.  All that means is that you did something stupid and dangerous faster or more artistically than everybody else.

People with vulnerable minds watch stupid and dangerous sports and they say to themselves, “Wow! That was real stupid and dangerous. How coooool! I need to do something even more stupid and dangerous!”

And that’s how more cripples are created. I’ve got nothing against all the self-made cripples coming through the pipeline. But when these daredevil/thrill-seeker types become crippled, they tend to be the most annoying cripples of all, especially the ones who can’t let it go. They’re obsessed with getting back on the horse. A guy wipes out trying to jump over 50 cars and is crippled to the point where can only drive his motorized wheelchair with his tongue. So he spends every waking crippled hour designing a specially adapted car-jumping motorcycle that he can drive with his tongue. He dreams of the day when he makes his triumphant return and shows the world how he refuses to let being crippled stop him from still doing stupid and dangerous stuff.

People who have to drive a nail into their skull just to feel like they’re alive don’t usually do well as cripples. They’re tone deaf to subtlety and cripples need an appreciation for the thrills derived from more subtle sources. In may case, that would be pizza. Pizza is an endless adventure. Thick or thin crust or stuffed? Anchovies? Pineapple? The topping permutations are infinite. Pizza is a miracle.