Friday, May 29, 2015

He is My Crippled Brother

Apparently there is a condition called gynecomastia where men grow breasts like women.

This must be a new malady that has popped up within the last 30 years or so. Because if there were males walking around with female breast when I was a kid I guarantee you I would have been well aware of their presence. Because I went to schools that were exclusively for crippled kids all the way up until I went to college. These schools were where they banished all kids who were even the least bit freakish. There were kids at these schools with giant heads and kids with tiny heads. Kids with missing limbs and kids with extra limbs. Kids with limbs growing out of the wrong places. Even if the feature that made the kid freakish wasn’t visible to the naked eye, he/she was still sent off to the cripple school. There was a kid with a prosthetic leg, but you’d never know it unless you walked up to him and knocked on his leg.

So any boy with female breasts would have been the first one sent to the cripple school, even if everything else about him was excruciatingly normal. And that kid would’ve stood out, even in the cripple school. He would have been a legend. Sad but true. So either there were no males with female breasts back then or they were so shunned that they were kept hidden away in dark closets.

And apparently if you have gynecomastia, there are lawyers ready, willing and able to sue the hell out whoever gave you the condition. In March, a Philadelphia jury ordered Johnson & Johnson to pay $2.5 million to a 20-year-old man with autism from Alabama who said that as a result of taking their antipsychotic drug Risperdal he developed size 46 DD breasts. Now this is the kind of case that will give those who rant about "tort reform” a big old raging hard-on. They’ll say this is another example of how the definition of crippled has become so stretched that it’s now meaningless. Back in the good old days, we knew exactly who was crippled and who wasn’t, just like we knew who was a boy and who was a girl. The cripples were the ones in wheelchairs or walking with crutches or the ones with a long white stick in one hand and a tin cup in the other. But now even a man with female breasts can demand compensation for being crippled. Why? Nothing wrong with his arms or legs! No reason he can’t go out and get a job!

Ah but this man’s barriers are myriad. And these barriers are not the result of him having female breasts. They are the result of other people being freaked out because he has female breasts. Thus, he will face much banishment, for the same reason all the freaks were sent off to the cripple school. So on that level, he’s as much of a genuine, card-carrying cripple as the rest of us.

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