I received an unexpected
check in the mail from the U.S. government. I wasn’t sure what it was for. At first I
figured maybe it was a tax refund. But in the memo it said “reparations
for being crippled. “
I don’t recall demanding
that the government pay me reparations for being crippled. And I don’t recall
anyone else ever demanding that either. But
sometimes the government does nice things out of the blue just for the hell of
it. That’s how we got the Americans with Disabilities Act. Congress just woke up
one morning feeling particularly chipper and it said to itself, “I think I’ll
surprise the cripples by giving them this law, just to remind them how much we
love them. They really deserve it. I
can’t wait to see the look of delight on their sad little faces!” I figure if
the government wants to give me free money, who the hell am I to say no? So I
cashed the check. I considered it to be my patriotic duty.
There was a letter included
in the envelope with the check. It said, “Dear Mike, This is the U.S. Government
writing to say we’re sorry you’re crippled. Please accept the enclosed check as
a token of our condolences. Consider this our way of trying to help you relieve
your pain and suffering.”
So I took all the cash and
flew to Vegas. And besides what I spent on stuff like airfare and hotel, I
blew all the rest of my reparations on snorting lines of cocaine off the bare bellies of exotic
dancers. Why not? After all, the purpose of the money was to relieve the pain and suffering I’ve endured because I’m crippled.
And now I’m back home and
back to being broke ass. I think the whole thing was an experiment. Sometimes
governments use cripples as guinea pigs. The Nazis had a campaign of trying to
exterminate cripples so they could be more efficient when it became time to try
to exterminate the Jews.
Maybe the government started
out by sending cripples reparations just to see what would happen. Because a
lot of people say that if the government gives cash directly to poor people
they’ll just take it and blow it all.
So maybe, based on what I
did, the next time the government pays some other group of people reparations,
in order to keep them was squandering it frivolously, they’ll send them a gift
card from Home Depot or something.
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