Sunday, December 12, 2021

Ask Smart Ass Cripple, if You Dare

  Dear Smart Ass Cripple,

In one of your recent entries, you used the term “idiot fascists.” I am writing to express my vociferous objection to your use of that term.

I am President of the Fascist Anti-Defamation League and Defense Fund and on behalf of this proud organization I demand an apology. 

Our organization was formed because, all too often, fascists are a convenient scapegoat and butt of jokes. People like you paint fascists with a broad brush that makes us all look like evil people. Just because fascists believe in a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader that defends corporate interests above all and ruthlessly suppresses opposition, that doesn’t make us evil. There are fascists in all walks of life. The odds are great that some of your neighbors and coworkers are fascists.  Someday your daughter may marry a fascist.

At long last, fascist are emerging from the shadows of shame! We will not be driven back!

Apologize or die!


Adolf Whiteman

 Dear Adolf,

I’m sorry that I used the term “idiot fascists.” I did not mean to be redundant.


Dear Smart Ass Cripple,

What would you do if you were President of the United States?

 Yours truly,

A Political Nerd

Dear Nerd,

If I was President of the United States, I would be very aggressive. On my very first day in office, I would introduce legislation outlawing one-name celebrities. I’d call it the Anti-Pretentiousness Act. Every one-name celebrity would have to choose a last name. If they refused to comply, the government would assign them a last name, such as Sting Wolinsky or Cher Cunningham. I may consider grandfathering dead one-name celebrities, like Prince, and letting them keep a single name forever.

I’d also crack down hard on lazy songwriters by making it illegal to write any more songs that rhyme “love” with “stars above.” I’d call this the Anti-Cliché Act.

And I’d also crack down on lazy city planners. It would be verboten to name the main street in any city or town Main Street. You could name any other street Main Street as long as it isn’t the main street.  And no fair taking the easy way out by naming the main street First Street. It would also be verboten to name a street First Street unless it’s not the first street.

Under my administration, life in the United States would be a lot less annoying.


Dear Mr. Smart Ass,

When you die, do you want to be buried or cremated? It seems to me that both options suck. You either quickly burn or slowly rot. Death sucks.

Your fan,

A Morose Teen

 Dear Morose Teen,

I agree with you that both options suck. That’s why I’m looking into taxidermy. I mean, they do it for birds and moose and weasels, so why not me? They can shoot me full of whatever preservatives taxidermists use, rivet me down into my wheelchair and I’ll be good to go. By being stuffed and mounted like this, I may achieve a certain level of immortality. Like for instance, sometimes when workers are protesting against a boss because they think he’s an asshole, they put a giant, inflatable rat out in front of his place of business to show the world what an asshole he is. But instead of a rat, they could place me out front all taxidermied up. That ought to scare away the customers and bring the boss to his knees.

Who says just because you’re dead you can’t be useful anymore?