Friday, October 10, 2014

The Inspiring Story of the Crippled Man and His Really Hot Wife

The man on the cover of the book I saw on the rack in the hospital gift shop has no arms or legs. Not even stubs. He’s essentially just a torso with a neck and head. Fortunately for him it’s a handsome, well-groomed head.

And the head is smiling because this man is a happy man, in spite of everything. And this man has a message of hope and inspiration for us all.

You don’t even have to read the book to feel uplifted by this man. All you have to do is look at the back cover where you will see that this man has a hot wife—a very hot wife with four limbs that appear to be fully functional and exquisitely developed.

Say no more! Message received! If Joe Pedestrian sees this book it will change his worldview. The next time he passes someone on the street who is just a torso with a neck and head, his perception of that person will be much more positive. Because I think Joe Pedestrian thinks that one of the saddest things about being crippled is that they can only date their own kind. It’s like on that TV show where a little person is married to another little person. Joe Pedestrian has never seen a married little person who isn't married to another little person. Joe Pedestrian has never seen a real cripple with a hot wife on TV except for Christopher Reeve and some war vets, but that doesn’t count because they were married before the guy was crippled. They were grandfathered in. Joe Pedestrian must think it’s some kind of law or something that cripples can only date their own kind. And so a man with no arms and legs must be limited to cruising dating websites or kinky bars that are exclusively for people with no arms and legs. And that’s so sad.

But apparently that’s not the case because look at that author’s hot wife. That’s so uplifting! Joe Pedestrian never thought he’d see the day when he would actually be jealous of a man who is just a torso with a neck and head.

But there’s one other thing Joe Pedestrian can’t help but wonder about men who are just a torso with a neck and head. He can’t help but wonder if they might also be missing their….. well, you know. It’s a fair question. I wonder about that too, though I dare not say it out loud. But look at the beaming smile of the author’s hot wife. That’s the smile of a satisfied woman, which tells us that it doesn’t matter whether or not the author is missing his….. well, you know. He still has a tongue that licks, a nose that burrows, eyelashes that gently tickle and a mouth that makes motorboat noises. So he can still make women happy.

This is the most uplifting message of all. It brings Joe Pedestrian great peace of mind to know that there is always hope, even if he should lose all his limbs or suddenly become a little person or even if, God forbid, something terrible should happen to his….. well, you know.

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