Tuesday, December 18, 2018

How to Get Someone to Call You a Bitter Cripple

If you’re a cripple and no one has ever called you bitter, it might be time for you to reevaluate your approach to life.

In order to be called bitter, there are certain things a cripple must do. First, you have to speak up about something. Look at Tiny Tim. Nobody has ever called him a bitter cripple because he never spoke up about a goddam thing. No matter what kind of shit was thrown at him, he always smiled and said, “God bless us everyone.”

But speaking up isn’t enough. Whatever it is that you speak up about has to piss off and somehow bring discomfort to the people who are calling you a bitter cripple. Nobody ever calls Miss Wheelchair America a bitter cripple. But Miss Wheelchair Americas speak up all the time. In order to become Miss Wheelchair America, you have to have a platform on which you take a stand on something. But pissing people off is suicide if you want to be Miss Wheelchair America, so that on which you take a stand has to be something which no one could possibly object to on paper. It has to be something like, “I believe in equal opportunity for all.” No shit, amigo. Who doesn’t? It’s when you start digging down into the specifics of the how-to that people get pissed off. So just keep it superficial and you’ll be all right.

Now let’s find a proper definition for bitter, vis-a-vis a bitter cripple. I like this Oxford definition: “angry, hurt, or resentful because of one's bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment.” The people who call you a bitter cripple just because you spoke up about something always assume that what you’re angry and resentful about is that God made you crippled. They think you wish you could be uncrippled, like them. You are jealous of uncrippled people like them. It never occurs to them that maybe what you might resent is that you can’t speak up about something of substance without some shallow assholes feeling pissed off and uncomfortable and calling you a bitter cripple. Now there’s something to be bitter about!

Anyway, I’m proud to say I’ve been called a bitter cripple many times. I’ve earned the title. I display it front and center on my sash full of cripple merit badges.

If you’ve succeeded in being called a bitter cripple without first completing the necessary steps mentioned above, I applaud you. Please tell me your secret.

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