Friday, March 14, 2014

The Smart Ass Cripple Medicaid Reform and Taxpayer Savings Act

There’s a limo company here in town that has wheelchair accessible limos. They don’t look a whole lot like limos. They’re just cripple minivans painted shiny black. So they look more like the bastard spawn of a one-night stand between an armored car and a hearse. But close enough. I suppose there’s only so much you can do to make a cripple minivan look elegant.

But anyway, I’ve got a doctor’s appointment coming up in a few weeks so I called the limo company to see how much it would cost to take a limo to and from my doctor’s office, which is a round trip of about six miles. I know it sounds whacked to take a limo to a doctor’s appointment but hold on. I’m trying to make a point here.

The limo company said the fare for the round trip would be $80.

Then I called a medi-car company to ask how much it would cost to take the same ride. Medi-cars are those ambulance-looking vans that often tote cripples to and from their medical stuff. The medi-car companies often have ambulance-sounding names, too, like Swift and Reliant.

The medi-car company said the fare for the round trip would be $116.

Whoa! I suspected something like that might happen. Because medi-cars are notorious. The fare is usually at least one appendage. And if you run out of appendages they’ll gladly accept certain bodily organs as payment.

So I suspected it might be cheaper to take a limo. The limo company said they also throw in a free bottle of water for each passenger. And the seat upholstery is leather. And the driver dresses like a limo driver. Medi-car drivers wear windbreakers emblazoned with the company name and logo. I didn’t even bother to ask the medi-car company if any free refreshment are served.

It looks like I’ve discovered a great way to eliminate millions in wasteful government spending. Because if you’ve ever been to a nursing home you’ll notice there’s a steady stream of medi-cars rolling in and out to tote cripples to and from their medical stuff. And Medicaid pays for almost all that. But it’s not like all these cripples are so frail that they must be accompanied at all times by someone with a defibrillator. That’s just how the uncrippled populace has been programmed to think. Most of these cripples just need a damn ride.

So why not tote them to and from their medical stuff in limos if it’s $36 a ride cheaper? Multiply $36 times a million and, according to my crack math skills, that saves taxpayers nearly $50,000!

So now I’m proposing the Smart Ass Cripple Medicaid Reform and Taxpayer Savings Act, requiring Medicaid to pay for limos instead of medi-cars to tote cripples to and from their medical stuff. I’m determined to get this passed. This will be my legacy to pass down to future cripples.
Fiscal conservatives will still howl I’m sure. They’ll say I’m not taking into account the all-important misery factor. Keeping Medicaid cripples miserable keeps down cost. If Medicaid cripples ride around in limos they’ll become too comfortable being crippled and they won’t have any incentive or motivation to not be crippled anymore.

But I still think I can get a lot of conservatives to vote for my legacy legislation if I do some shrewd politicking. I’ll really have it made if I can get my legislation quietly attached to a bill to name even more shit in honor of Ronald Reagan. It seems like there must be dozens of Congressional staffers who spend all day just thinking up even more shit to name in honor of Ronald Reagan, be it a prison or a playground. I’ll know my legislation is on the fast track when it’s referred to the busiest and most productive committee in Congress, which is the Committee for Thinking up Even More Shit to Name in Honor of Ronald Reagan.

After that it’ll be a smooth ride.

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