Sunday, July 28, 2013

Pit Crew Members Say the Darndest Cute Things

Let us begin this tale with some great words of wisdom from Leonardo da Vinci:

“The penis does not obey the order of its master… The penis must be said to have its own mind.”

Truer words were never spoken. In addition to being an artist, inventor, etc., da Vinci was also a great penisologist, or whatever it is you call people who study the behavior of the penis. Because da Vinci spent a great deal of time contemplating penises, not just his own but those of other dead humans and even a mule. And in so doing he revolutionized our understanding of that random and mysterious phenomenon known as the erection.

This was probably da Vinci’s most significant contribution to humanity. And I probably never would have learned of it if I wasn’t crippled. Because I heared this fun da Vinci fact from a man named Brian Brady, who revealed it to me while he was giving me a shower. And if I wasn’t crippled, I never would have had Brian giving me a shower. Or at least the odds are against it. It’s nothing personal against Brian, it’s just that the only reason he entered my life for the purpose of giving me showers was because he was a member of my pit crew. And if I wasn’t crippled I wouldn’t need a pit crew to give me showers and such, so I wouldn’t have had a parade of young men coming in and out of my home throughout the years to give me showers. Or at least the odds are against it.

I spend so much time with my pit crew guys that we end up talking about all kinds of shit. And sometimes they say the darndest cute things. Brian was giving me a shower and somehow we got to talking about the Mona Lisa and Brian said that da Vinci also debunked the scientific belief of his time that an erection was caused by the penis filling with air, like a balloon. da Vinci came to the conclusion that this was all wrong, Brian said, after he saw a mule fucking a mare.  

So I looked it up and it’s true! da Vinci was always skeptical about the balloon theory of erection. He wrote, "Wind provides neither weight nor density but makes the flesh light and rarefied."  da Vinci was also an avid collector of human body parts and cadavers, strictly for research purposes of course. He was known to attend public beheadings so he could negotiate with the executioner for the head.

Beheadings weren’t the only public executions for which da Vinci had box seat tickets. He went to hangings too and wondered why so many hanged men remained erect long after their bodies were devoid of all oxygen. So much for the balloon theory.

And when he happened to encounter a winded but still horny mule, da Vinci wrote, "I once saw a mule that was almost unable to move, owing to the fatigue of a long journey under a heavy burden. On seeing a mare, suddenly its penis and all its muscles became so turgid that it multiplied its forces as to acquire such speed that it overtook the course of the mare, which fled before it and was obliged to obey the desires of the mule."

So now, thanks to former pit crew member Brian, in my mind da Vinci is synonymous not with the Mona Lisa but with erection.