Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Ask Smart Ass Cripple Again?

Dear Mr. Cripple,

I find your blog occasionally amusing so I am considering leaving a donation in your tip jar. But first I must know if my generosity is deductible. Is the Feed Smart Ass Cripple Fund an official 501(c)(3) tax-exempt charitable entity? Please advise so I can instruct my accountants accordingly.

Ultrasincerely yours,

A Concerned Liberal

Dear Concerned Liberal,

Absolutely! I personally traveled to Washington to petition the Supreme Council of Exemptors. It was a weird experience. The council was three hairless, scowling heads on pedestals on the stage of a dark auditorium. An eerie blue fog wafted about. Each head was illuminated from above by its own spotlight.

The first head roared like the Great Oz: “Who dares to come before us seeking exemption?”

I said, “It’s the Feed Smart Ass Cripple Fund.”

The second head spoke in a female voice. “And just what is the mission of this Feed Smart Ass Cripple Fund?”

I said, “The mission of the Feed Smart Ass Cripple Fund is to feed Smart Ass Cripple. The excessively brilliant and generous readers of Smart Ass Cripple put money in the tip jar, with which Smart Ass Cripple acquires basic staples such as bread and sugar and beer and butter and beer and cigars and beer.”

The third head sounded like Arnold Schwarzenegger: “And who are you, sir?”

I said, “Who the hell do you think I am? I’m Smart Ass Cripple. Why else would I start a lame ass charity like this?”

Back to the first head: “What is your occupation, Mr. Smart Ass Cripple?”

I said, “I make fun of people like you.”

A black velvet curtain dropped. Behind it the omnipotent exemptors deliberated my fate. But after only two minutes the curtain lifted and all the heads smiled. “Congratulations,” said the first head. “You have been granted an exemption. And on behalf of this council, I wish you Godspeed.”

So feel free to give til it hurts to the Feed Smart Ass Cripple Fund! That goes for all of you out there!

Dear Smart Ass Cripple,

Being rather modest people, when I checked into a hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in our room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastards!"

Yours in Shame,

Sue’s Embarrassed Aunt Judy

Dear Sue’s Embarrassed Aunt Judy,

Don’t be embarrassed. Those people are HYPOCRITES! They’re just like those homophobes who are completely repulsed by the idea of witnessing two women getting married but secretly are completely turned on by the idea of witnessing those two women on the first night of their honeymoon.

I guarantee you that the minute those innkeepers put up the NO VACANCY sign, they retire to their quarters and watch cripple porn. Here’s how the movie goes: A knock on the door. A woman in a negligee and curlers answers. It’s the one-armed, spastic, three-foot tall pizza delivery man.

PIZZA MAN: Did someone order a pizza?

WOMAN: I ordered a SAUSAGE pizza!

I won’t tell you what happens after that. I don’t want to spoil the plot.

Dear Smart Ass Cripple,

As a loving parent, responsible adult and mentor for successive generations, I’ve been trying to teach my 11 year old son about diversity and inclusion values (per the judge’s order. Long back story, involving a bad morning at the mall, alleged “community standards,” and a security guard who apparently has absolutely no sense of humor about his job).

I’ve been using your blog as a conversation starter, since you both seem to be the same age emotionally.

My son says: “Who the hell is this guy? Why should I listen to him? I’ll know he’s important when he has his own reality TV show, or action-figure merchandise. Until then, he can piss off.”

The stupid kid has a point. Since I’m not wild about most people anyway, it seems sort of hypocritical to worry about being diverse and inclusive, when all I really want to do tell folks to get stuffed.

With seething regards,

A Role Model for Tomorrow’s Youth and a Fine American


Your little smart ass is correct. I do not have a reality show or action figure line. But soon I will launch my very own designer fragrance. That’s right, eu de Smart Ass Cripple cologne (lovingly manufactured in a kindergarten in Bangladesh) premieres in August and will be sold exclusively at the finest Walmarts. Shortly after that, the new Smart Ass Cripple PEZ dispenser will make its debut. Yep, the PEZ people offered me a barrel of cash for the rights to make a cheap plastic mold of my head and mount it on a hinge atop a PEZ box.

And if that’s not enough for the little whiner, tell him that in 2012, the navy will christen its newest state of the art battleship, the USS Smart Ass Cripple! It’s named after me because it’s the navy’s most badass battleship to date. It’s guaranteed to blow out of the water all those Al Qaeda and Taliban battleships!

It’s natural for children your son’s age to question authority. So tell him to shut the hell up and respect his fucking elders.