So Far So Good

 

Every now and then, especially near the end of the year like this, I pause to make sure I still have a pulse.

So far so good. And so, after breathing a sigh of gratitude, I vow to keep on going.

 I recommend that everyone try this little exercise. It’s good for the soul. On a literal level, a pulse isn’t the sort of thing that you have to search out to make sure you still have one. You’ll know it if you don’t. But it’s good to check in with it from time to time just so you can fully appreciate what it means to have one.

For me, it means that I will keep on going. And when I say that I will keep on going, I mean  that I will  keep doing whatever it is that I do that causes  a pain in the ass for those who are up to no good. The more whatever pain in the ass that I am causing them can stop them or at least slow them down from being up to no good because  they have to deal with their pain in the ass, the better.

 If you’re not currently causing a pain in the ass for anybody who’s up to no good, it’s never too  late to get started. The first thing you do is identify some people who are up to no good. That shouldn’t be too hard to do. And then you figure out how you can cause them a pain in the ass. And then you do it. And keep doing it as long as you still have a pulse.

You might want to try reciting to yourself the following Prayer for Strength, as I often do::

To Whom it May Concern,

Thank you so much for this pulse. Now please grant me the strength to use it wisely by bestowing upon me the wisdom to identify those who are up to no good and figuring out how I can cause them a pain in their asses.

Amen.                                                                                                             

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My Old Green Wheelchair

I sometimes wonder whatever happened to my old green wheelchair.

Whenever I get a new wheelchair, I keep the previous one around just in case. I put it in a closet and I break it out when the new one breaks down, which it inevitably will. I know that I’ll have to spend weeks swashbuckling my way through various bureaucracies in order to get it fixed and I don’t want to be left stranded for all that time.

So when my green wheelchair got old and I got a new orange one to replace it, I put the green one in a closet. But when the orange one got old and I replaced it with the blue wheelchair that I ride around in currently, I put the orange wheelchair in the closet. That meant that I had to get rid of the green one. I no longer had any room or need for it.

And I find it very hard to part with my old wheelchairs. I become emotionally attached to them because we’ve been through so much together. Giving them up feels like it does when you take a sick pet to get euthanized. When you leave them behind you feel like you’re betraying them and it takes days to get over it.

I managed to find a shoestring nonprofit that collects old wheelchairs and gives them away to needy cripples. I figured that this was an appropriately honorable way to dispose of my old green wheelchair. Maybe some other cripple could continue to enjoy it.

 I don’t know what happened to my old green wheelchair after I gave it up that day. Since then, I’ve come across some pretty needy cripples riding around in some pretty raggedy old wheelchairs. But none of those wheelchairs looked like it just might be my old green one.  If I ever do see a cripple in a raggedy wheelchair that looks like a could be my old green chair, I’ll probably feel really tempted to come up to them and ask them where they got it, just like a dog coming up to another dog and sniffing its butt.

(Please support Smart Ass Cripple and help us keep going. Just click below to contribute.)

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Smartass Cripple Appreciation Month (SCAM)

 

As every Smart Ass Cripple aficionado knows, December is Smartass Cripple Appreciation Month (SCAM). This is the twelfth annual SCAM, as established by President Barrack Obama in his 2012 SCAM executive order calling upon every American to “remember and honor the indispensable contributions Smartass Cripple has made to the enrichment of American society.” Thus, “government agencies, community organizations, schools, museums, cultural entities, institutes of higher learning, houses of worship and ordinary citizens are urged to organize displays, parades, exhibits, school assemblies and other events that honor Smartass Cripple.”

Obama took this action for two reasons. First, it was right after he was re-elected and let’s just say he knew he owed me big time. Second, he knows I have the worst recorded case of Attention Deficit Disorder. I can never get enough attention.

I had to make one small compromise. It seems that the names of all federal laws and executive orders have to form a catchy acronym, as mandated by the Catchy Acronym Creation Act (CACA). So I agreed to be known as Smartass Cripple instead of Smart Ass Cripple so that Smartass Cripple Appreciation Month can simply be referred to as SCAM.

 I’m anxious to see the many ways in which my fellow Americans rise to the occasion. If you’re inspired to put together a SCAM activity but you’re overwhelmed by the myriad of possibilities, I urge you to just listen to your heart.

It’s not too late to put together a SCAM event in your town.  You can organize a fun group activity that appropriately celebrates Smart Ass Cripple, such as a parade or an orgy.  (Please invite me to the latter.) Or, taking up a collection for Smartass Cripple is always a good idea. Since it’s the holiday season, I suggest you dress like Santa Claus and stand outside of stores ringing a bell with one hand and shaking a red donation kettle with the other hand. And send all proceeds to Smartass Cripple.

But if you still need ideas, one SCAM thing you could do is form a humanitarian organization called Habitat for Smart Ass Cripple and mobilize volunteers to build houses for me. That would be a good way for you to prove that you love me.

(Please support Smart Ass Cripple and help us keep going. Just click below to contribute.)

https://www.paypal.me/smartasscripple?fbclid=IwAR2qrql-UFH19OepgeaCG4WmblyNylb27k2q8eYxXHH-nvFX30Mk2fJx9uI