Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The First Annual Get Smart Ass Cripple's Crippled Ass Out of Bed 5k Run: 2014ish

If you don’ like the crap I write, you can blame it on socialism

If it wasn’t for socialism, I wouldn’t be sitting at this computer right now. In order for me to get out of bed and hosed down and fed and all the other stuff that’s a prerequisite for rolling up to the computer, I employ a group of humans who rotate in and out every day to assist me. And their wages are paid by our tax dollars via a state program. It’s that evil bloody goddam job-killing socialism at its finest.

It’s a damn good thing too because I sure as hell can’t afford to pay their wages. You know what sucks most about being crippled? IT’S FUCKING EXPENSIVE!!!! This wheelchair I’m sitting in costs $26,000. The van I drive around in, purchased new, cost about $50,000. That’s why every cripple I’ve ever met is also suffering from a bad case of post-traumatic sticker shock disorder. So without lots of socialism to help us pay for all the shit we need to stay alive and keep moving, 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 percent of cripples would be screwed.

If you think employing a pit crew just to get in and out of bed sounds like a pain in the ass, just wait. Pretty soon it’s going to take every last one of you out there to get me in and out of bed.

Because governors all over the country, especially those darling republican ones, are going nuts cutting programs like this. Cripples in states like Texas and Wisconsin and Kansas are fighting like hell to stop the funds that pay their assistants from being cut off. Governors are instead giving tax breaks to the mega-rich so that they will create more jobs. We all know this is true. When the mega-rich get to keep more of their money they throw bigger and better parties, which creates more jobs for cocaine dealers and prostitutes.

So I need to think ahead because at the rate things are going, stinkin’ socialist programs like these will all be starved to death come 2014 or so. America will have returned to the blissful and pristine 1950s, when the only option cripples had was to beg for charity. Ah yes, charity--- the gift nobody wants.

So get ready, because it will take all of your help for me to pull off my annual Get Smart Ass Cripple’s Crippled Ass Out of Bed 5k Run. All proceeds will go directly to me, so I can pay people to get my crippled ass out of bed.

I’ll need a whole bunch of you to help with publicity. There will be tons of logistical tasks too. For instance, somebody will have to hustle up a shitload of donated Gatorade. In-kind donations, such as a used starter pistol, will also be needed. And of course all of you will have to run and pledge.

If all goes well, I might raise just enough to where I won't have to worry about how I’m going to get out of bed in the coming year. And from there I’ll just pray that no unplanned budget-busting emergencies intrude upon my life, so I won’t have to slap together another quick fundraiser like the Get Smart Ass Cripple’s Ruptured Appendix Removed Before it Bursts 50-yard Dash.

For my 5k run, I'll also need all of you to sign up corporate sponsors. Hey there’s another idea. Maybe I’ll beg corporations to give me money so I can get out of bed and then every day for the rest of my life I’ll wear a jumpsuit like those NASCAR guys with their corporate logos plastered all over it. Or how about a Get Smart Ass Cripple’s Crippled Ass Out of Bed Celebrity Golf Tournament?

I feel much better about the future now, knowing I can count on all of your kind charity.


  1. If I'd known being a crip was going to be so freaking expensive, I would have joined the navy instead. I do have hopes, though, that in-home assistance will be expanded. The good folks at General Electric are going to start paying income taxes here in the USA. With taxes on profits of $14+ billion, GE could finance PCA for every crip in America.

  2. Amazing column here sticking it back to the GOP and how they do not care for the disabled; only their corporate donors. You should be in front of some committee in both the House and Senate telling it like it is. Thank you for this amazing column.

    Mary MacElveen!

  3. My son, who is autistic and nonverbal, lives in a group home, and has a similar pit crew to get him up, showered, shaved, eat breakfast and out the door to school. For his first 21 years, I did it for him, then got myself to work. And then scrambled out of work in the evening to pick him up from school and get him fed dinner. I love him with all my heart and he makes all the work worthwhile. It sure takes a village, tho. I've paid my taxes, and I continue to pay them. I'm so grateful I live in a community that provides so that my son has a decent life. These are necessities for people with disabilities. They are not "services"--as though they are just nice to have. People need to understand--what if it happened to you? What if tomorrow, you needed this level of care? Do you want to be living in a world that one of the cold-hearted bastard GOP governors like Scott Walker (WI), Rick Scott (FL), or Rick Snyder (MI) has deemed "serviceable"?

  4. Great Article! I'm in for the 5k! Advertise it as "self-supported", because if you can run on two legs for 3 miles, you don't need stinking gatorade. Bring a bottle of water, or drink it beforehand! :)

  5. Dear Smart Ass:

    When I reply to any e-mail from you, I get a note from the Postmaster saying my message has been rejected.

    Roger Ebert

  6. 99.9999999999999999% of cripples in India are screwed. We didn't have money when we were wannabe socialists, and now that we are wanna be capitalists we have less than nothing - nothing for those who need it I mean. The politicians and businesses have more than enough!

    Thanks for the post - brilliant!

  7. There is going to come a day when everyone realizes that they owe everything to their community. There is no BMW or Mazarati until the community bucks up and builds a road, and there is no comunity without Empathy.

    I will do your 5k or 50k, tell me where, and I will be there. With any luck I won't need a pit crew for a few years.

  8. Great Article, bro. I was a member of some of those "pit crews" in the 70s and 80s. Peace.

  9. Thorougly enjoyed your article! Thank you and I am rooting for you!

  10. Brilliant article, Smart Ass! I too live in fear of my Disability "services" and socialist money and socialist freakin' Medicare and Medicaid being slashed. Because: What the fuck do we do with the rest of our lives? It's too cold where I live to sit on the sidewalk and beg.
    Screw the two-legged, two-armed Republicans! Someone amputate them entirely, please!
    Thanks for making me laugh.

  11. Get Smart Ass Cripple’s Crippled Ass Out of Bed any kind of funding would be superstar great. keep up your terrific blog.

  12. Glad Ebert and Sullivan found you. More people will hear what you have to say.

    No BS cripple stories to call my own exactly, but my father became blind fairly early in my childhood. The child of a best thing to being there.

    Wow and thanks.