Wrapping Yourself in Cripples

 

Suppose, just for a moment, that you’re a ruthless dictator or even, dare I say, a corporate CEO. You’re feeling under siege because the voices of dissent have become quite numerous lately and you’ve had to spend an inordinate amount of your time and energy crushing them. Thus, you have been attracting increased scrutiny and this makes you uncomfortable. You need a feel-good distraction that’s designed to take everyone’s mind off of what an asshole you are so you can commit genocide in peace. (After all, that’s how you thought it would be when you took this job.)

You need your reputation laundered. Well in that case, may I suggest finding some cripples to embrace. It’s just like seeking insulation by wrapping yourself in the flag except you’re wrapping yourself in cripples.

It’s a tried-and-true means of making yourself look like a sweetheart. But you must be careful. It is imperative that you resist the temptation to embrace any old cripples. Because, like I said, the goal is to conjure up a “feel good” distraction. So you must be aware that not all cripples are warm and cuddly, as hard as that is to believe. Some cripples do things that piss people off, like go around protesting and demanding their rights. You certainly don’t want to associate yourself with them.

 No, you need something like the Special Olympics. It needs to be something safe and reliable and completely uncontroversial. It needs to be something that no one would dare publicly criticize in any way, for fear of being labeled insensitive. And who could possibly criticize a bunch of limping cripples in leg braces bravely racing each other around a track? It doesn’t matter if there’s a lot more than that to the Special Olympics. As long as enough people believe that’s all there is to it, that’s all that matters.

 If you’re a ruthless dictator, all you have to do is send your spouse to the opening ceremony of the Special Olympics to throw out the first beanbag. (What is the proper title for the spouse of a ruthless dictator? The First Bitch?)  Notice how I used the word spouse instead of wife. That’s because I ‘m not sexist. I wouldn’t want to give the impression that women aren’t capable of being ruthless dictators. Just look at Margaret Thatcher.

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