Cripple Envy

Some people have a bad case of cripple envy. That’s when a person who isn’t the cripled is real jealous of those of us who are. And so they wish that they were crippled, too, because they think that cripples get all kinds of great privileges in life. Now it’s true that being crippled does come with what some might perceive to be privileges. All of the best parking spaces are supposed to be reserved for us and we usually get a pass when it comes to going to church or being drafted into the military. And we don’t have to stand for the national anthem. But we also have to deal with a lot of unnecessary b,s. And if you want to be a cripple, you can’t just pick and choose. That means that you have to take on the b.s., too. I think about cripple envy whenever I see a billboard or television commercial advertising a personal injury attorney. They promise you that, with their professional assistance, you can become rich beyond your wildest dreams. But first you have to survive a terrible accident, the more terrible the better. And the worse your injuries, the better. I wonder if this makes anyone jealous. I wonder how many of them would sign up for a scheme to get rich that required them to go out and get hit by a bus, first. By the same token, the people who have a bad case of cripple envy can soon be enjoying all of the primo parking that they will ever need plus an exemption from going to church, being drafted into the military, standing for the national anthem and all of the glorious privileges that our society bestows upon the crippled. All that they have to do is go out and get hit by a bus, first.

Hospice

By the time that this month is over. I will be 70 years old. And I have been cripled the whole time. Which will make me about 400 ln cripple years. So all bets are off. I did none of the medical intervention that the doctors said I should do when I was a wee criplet. But even if I had done them all, none of those doctors would’ve predicted that I would last this long.. Those doctors would’ve had me play the hospice game. They thought that all cripples like me could aspire to was to just be comfortable until we die. They thought that to push us to aspire to anything higher than that was to be mean and cruel to us by rubbing our noses in our crippledness. I’m lucky that I have been pretty healthy. I still have my tonsils and my appendix and I’ve never had a cavity, But the other part of it was that my mother didn’t encourage me to play the hospice game. She let me aspire to more than that because she didn’t know any better. That’s what mothers are supposed to do. That’s their job. But I’m afraid that once I cross the bridge into 70 I’ll be under a lot of pressure to play the hospice game again. Because it seems that a lot of people under 70 think that all people over 70 can aspire to is to just be comfortable until we die. We aren’t a part of any coveted demographic anymore. Advertisers don’t try to sell us anything, except adult diapers, reverse mortgages and life insurance that can pay for our funerals. (They don’t advertise coffins on TV yet.) When I see old people on television, it kind of gives me the creeps because even though I am of their generation, I don't feel like I have anything else in common with them. They are either 1) playing the hospice game or 2) trying to, “Live each day to the fullest.” When I hear that, it makes me feel like I have to wrestle an alligator every day so that no one can accuse me of not trying to “live each day to the fullest.” Or maybe that’s just how younger people think old people are supposed to be. (Please support Smart Ass Cripple and help us keep going. Just click below to contribute.) https://www.paypal.me/smartasscripple?fbclid=IwAR2qrql-UFH19OepgeaCG4WmblyNylb27k2q8eYxXHH

Bitter Old Cripples and Their Pet Pterodactyls

I am here to tell all of those who grew up watching Jonny Quest cartoons that not all cripples are bitter old men who live in mountain caves with pet Pterodactyls who kill on their command. Because I recently watched one of these cartoons for the first and only time and that’s who the bad guy was. He was an old man in a wheelchair that was way too big for him. And it turns out that he also had a bunch of slaves and he warned them that if they ever did anything to cross him he would have his Pterodactyl kill them. The crippled old man sat perusing the valley below from the entrance of his cave and when he saw Jonny Quest and his entourage down there he ordered his faithful Pterodactyl to check them out. And when one of Jonny’s entourage saw a giant bird circling above and squawking like a maniac he made the brilliant observation that he thought such birds were extinct. And then somehow they figured out all that stuff about the cripled old cavedwelling slaveholder. And then, to top it all off, one of the entourage said, “He belongs in an institution.” I don’t know what happened after that because I stopped watching. I couldn’t take it anymore. But I bet that in the end Jonny Quest (good) prevailed over the crippled guy (evil). So if watching Jonny Quest cartoons was how you got your notions about cripples as a kid, you got it all wrong. Like I said, not all cripples are bitter old men who live in mountain caves with pet Pterodactyls who kill on their command. Some cripples aren’t even men and I’ve never heard of a real live cripple who had a pet Pterodactyl. After all, they’re extinct, you know. And cripples don’t belong in institutions, either. (Please support Smart Ass Cripple and help us keep going. Just click below to contribute.) https://www.paypal.me/smartasscripple?fbclid=IwAR2qrql-UFH19OepgeaCG4WmblyNylb27k2q8eYxXHH