Up Close and Personal

I was maneuvering through a corridor of a hospital when I encountered one of those medicine-delivering robots. The robot’s eyes looked like two car headlights to me. The robot and I were on a collision course so I was worried about what might happen next. Because I’ve read stories and seen internet videos where a delivery robot smacks into and tries to flatten and plow right on over a cripple in a wheelchair because for some reason the robot doesn’t sense that there is anybody there. But when this robot got close to me it stopped in its tracks and its lights flashed. And then a heart formed in each of its eyes. And I thought to myself, “Oh shit, this thing must think that I’m another robot! And it’s in love with me! Now what? Is it going to start humping me, like a dog, right here in this hospital corridor ? Won’t that give all of these passersby a helluva story to tell when they go home tonight? Surely one of them will film it with their phone and put it on the internet!” But the robot just sat there looking at me with its lights flashing and hearts in its eyes. And then I saw that one of the passersby was also on a collision course with another medicine-delivering robots, And this guy was a vert (which is what I call people who walk because it’s short for vertical).When the robot encountered the guy it stopped dead in its tracks and its lights flashed. And then a heart formed in each of its eyes. The vert just sidestepped the other robot and went merrily on his way. So I did the same with my robot. And I breathed a sigh of relief.

Cripples and Chicago Pigeons

I often say to people, “You’ d be a lousy cripple." I say it to verts ( which is what I call people who walk because it’s short for verticals), especially those that go to the bathroom a lot. Because if they were a cripple like me, who needs somebody to help them when they go to the bathroom, they’d have to figure out how to get someone to help them every hour. But I don’t just say it to verts who go to the bathroom a lot. To be successful at being a cripple requires a certain toughness. You have to be like the pigeons here in Chicago. They’re all scarred up because they get the hell beaten out of them so much. And yet they survive. Cripples are also like that. We get the hell beaten out of us a lot, too. Like for instance, we spend a lot of time waiting. We apply for a service because we need help right now (like getting someone to help us when we have to go to the bathroom). And instead we get put on a waiting list that’s like ten years long. And somehow we’re supposed to get by for ten years or so until enough cripples die so that it becomes our turn to receive the help we needed ten years ago. All of that waiting around can really beat the hell out of you. And that’s just one of many examples. So even some verts who don’t go to the bathroom a lot just aren’t tough enough to make it as cripples. Hell, even some cripples aren’t tough enough either. (Please support Smart Ass Cripple and help us keep going. Just click below to contribute.) https://www.paypal.me/smartasscripple?fbclid=IwAR2qrql-UFH19OepgeaCG4WmblyNylb27k2q8eYxXHH